lose everything.

I can’t keep trying to fix people. It’s only me who’s going to end up hurt.

This new start is for myself. I’m doing this for me. I’ll be great.

I wish my vagina would stop bleeding.

Can you imagine how skinny we’d all be if we spent as much time at the gym as we do on Tumblr?

(Source: calikeepingitclassy, via iwbthin)

today, i lost one of my best friends.

“I wanted to wait until the next time we saw each other in person for me to tell you this but the fact that I’ve been upset for a while and woke up distraught in the middle of night is telling me I have to do this now. 

I don’t think I can be just friends with you anymore. Your friendship these past few months has meant more to me than you could probably imagine but that is no longer good enough for me anymore, at least not right now. I’m an idiot so I honestly have no idea how you feel about me but if its not the same way I feel about you, then for the time being I think its best we don’t see each other at all for a while.

All I want is whats best for you. And I thought that what was best for you would be to be with me but if you don’t feel that way, I hope you do find whatever it is you are looking for. Because honestly, it really upset me that you could like an asshole like Alex, an idiot who doesn’t want to be with you because of what he sees as physical flaws and doesn’t see you the way I do, as a beautiful person, inside and out and likes you for everything it is that you are and will be.

There’s more I guess I could say but I think I’ve said enough. Writing this message was honestly one of the hardest things I’ve had to do because I really don’t want to lose you as a friend. If you see another way out of this please let me know. If you don’t feel the same way, convince me that we are wrong for each other because right now I can’t keep pretending anymore.”

that’s what i read when i signed on to facebook this morning. i had no idea what to say. everything was so good and then this.

the part that bothered me the most? “what he sees as physical flaws” “physical flaws” “physical flaws”
i read that line over and over and over and over until i couldn’t handle it anymore. i deactivated my facebook and left my house. i picked up my friend and bitched about how i was so happy and how i haven’t been letting anything bother me, and now this.

he texted my friend while i was still with her, automatically assuming that i deactivated my facebook because of him and how i was inconsiderate for not responding and it was “bull shit.”

i texted him, “so, can we talk about this in person?”
“just let me know where, i’ll leave soon.”
“i won’t be home until nine. that okay?”
“yeah, see you then.”

we met in the dunkin donuts parking lot and he got into my car.
“so, let’s talk. i think i’ve said everything i had to say, what do you have to say?”

i stumbled over my words, trying my very best not to hurt him while watching him tear up and try to hold it back.
it’s not fair though. i didn’t force him to hold anything in to the point of an  emotional explosion.

he told me he woke up crying last night. he woke up crying because of me. 

i’m hurting someone and i’m not even doing anything.

he said he doesn’t understand why i’m so hard on myself. he questioned everything i said making me feel dumber than i already did.
i’m not good at serious conversations, he knows this. 

i had nothing left to say, so we sat in silence for a few minutes.
“i guess i should go now.”
 ”if you want.”
“wait here a minute, i have to give you something.”

i sat in my seat and held onto the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white.
he came back to my car with a christmas bag and handed it to me.

“are you serious?”
“just take it.”

and then he was gone. he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.

he gave me an ultimatum that was a lose/lose for me. 
either, we’re not friends anymore, or we start dating and i’m not all in it because i have no romantic feelings for him.

i sat in my car for a few minutes with my head on the steering wheel holding back any emotion just incase he saw.
livid. hurt. betrayed. used. 

i drove away and then pulled over to open the bag.
inside? the scarf i spent six hours crocheting for him.
i took it apart.

farewell, good friend. merry christmas.